Profits Rise Slowly

Earnings Reports Show Reasons for Optimism

May 5, 2001 -- While corporate earnings are lower than they were a decade ago, they still are showing a relative increase.  Profits are up to 3.3% from 2.2% last quarter.  This is largely attributed to cost cutting efforts from the new corporate president, Stefan Schpeelburg.  All of this comes on the wake of claims that Mr. Schpeelburg is inadequately looney tunes to run a company like ACME.  An excerpt from a statement by Mr. Schpeelburg says, "We like to think that a mixture of whimsy and wit are very important for corporate gains, but we never lose sight of the bottom line.  Claims that the extent of my desire to be in charge is proof that I am too dangerous to be in charge are entirely unfounded."


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Last modified: May 22, 2001